October 2005

Pain in the Neck

by Nikki

   Kelly crumpled the hand-written note in her hands and felt hot tears starting to slide down her cheeks. She could still hear Audrey’s harsh words ringing in her ears. 

  “Dear, must you paint with your windows open, the smell is wafting through my windows,” she’d scowl, “Single young women with fancy paint colours should be living in the town.” Or she’d holler, “You don’t seem to paying your side of the garden very much attention.” 

  The constant moaning from Audrey in the upstairs flat was turning Kelly’s life into an absolute misery. 

  Kelly was twenty-three years old and had recently bought and moved in to a ground floor flat, which was part of an old converted house. She couldn’t afford to buy a property in the main town on her limited funds. Besides, she had quite fancied living on the out-skirts of town, which was two minutes from the countryside, and the street she had chosen was ‘quaint’. Kelly owned an old Vauxhall, which would (on most occasions) transport her into the main town, where she worked as a hairdresser in ‘Curly Locks’. 

  When she had viewed the property, the Estate Agent explained that the left half of the front and back garden was hers and the other half belonged to a ‘very nice’ lady that occupied the flat upstairs. Maintaining half of a garden was no problem for Kelly and she readily signed her extortionate Mortgage Agreement. 

  When the day of the move arrived, Kelly hired a van to move her belongings from her old room at her mums’ house.

“Make sure you come home for your roast every Sunday Kelly” her mum said as Kelly loaded the last of the boxes, “And Grandma will get cross if you don’t pop in and watch countdown with her on your day off.”

“Mum,” Kelly said, “I’ll never go a week without your cooking and Grandma wouldn’t notice if Robbie Williams came by and watched countdown with her.”

“That’s not true Kelly, your Grandma still has all of her facilities.”

Kelly laughed, “I think you mean faculties mum.”

She kissed her mum goodbye, got into the van and started to pull out of the drive.

“Kelly,” her mum shouted, so that even ‘deaf Doris’ round the corner could hear, “Don’t forget to always put clean underwear on in case you ever have to go to hospital.” 

  It was fifteen minutes after this as she started to unload her belongings that she’d had her first encounter with Audrey. 

  “You do know that you won’t be able to play that thing too loud don’t you?” Audrey had spat as Kelly struggled up the path with her hi-fi.

“Oh, hello you must be Audrey,” Kelly said, “I wouldn’t worry, I’m really not one for loud music myself either.”

Kelly carefully place the hi-fi on the ground and extended her hand to Audrey “I’m Kelly” she said.

  Audrey ignored the gesture and carried on “There are respectable folks living around here and they wouldn’t want to be kept awake at all hours by your ‘youngsters’ music!”

Audrey stood back as Kelly bent down to pick up the hi-fi again.

“And I’d strongly advise you get your windows replaced soon too” Audrey sneered, “I’ve had mine replaced recently with a very reputable company and yours are now clearly spoiling the overall look of the house.” 

  Kelly gritted her teeth, put on a smile and turned to the wizened face of Audrey “I’m sure that when I have settled in and my finances have recovered, I will most certainly consider having new windows installed, “Now though, I really must get on with unloading my stuff.” Kelly manoeuvred her way around Audrey and headed towards her door, with the hi-fi.

  Audrey followed and tapped her on the shoulder, “I would do more than consider it young lady,” Audrey retorted, “If you want to live around here there are certain standards that need to be upheld. New windows would be a good start!” 

  And with that Audrey had flounced off towards the door of her own flat leaving a very bewildered Kelly staring after her in amazement. Kelly was quite sure that she had never encountered anyone so rude in all her life. Maybe, she thought, Audrey had had a bad experience with a previous neighbour. She decided to bite her tongue until the perfectly groomed Audrey found out for herself what a model neighbour Kelly really was. 

  That had been two months ago and Audrey’s constant griping was getting worse by the day. It was getting to the point that Kelly couldn’t even leave the flat without hearing the familiar sound of Audrey’s ‘new’ window being pushed up followed by her grey little head poking out to remind Kelly to ‘wash her car if she intended to park in the driveway’ or to let her know that a couple of weeds had sprouted on Kelly’s side of the garden. 

  Kelly looked at the crumpled notepaper in her hand – it seemed now that Audrey had taken to writing her gripes down and posting them through Kelly’s letterbox, in addition to collaring her whenever she saw her. This particular note was letting her know that her music could be heard playing before she’d left for work yesterday and Audrey had also ‘kindly’ included the number of her very reputable window installers. 

  Kelly wiped the tears from her face with the back of her sleeve and tossed the note into the waste paper basket. She hadn’t even been playing her sodding music yesterday morning, which proved that Audrey was whining for the hell of it.

  She picked up her washing basket and headed for the garden, bracing herself for another inevitable torrent of abuse from Audrey, and made her mind up to ‘just ignore her’ as her mum would say.  

  Kelly hadn’t managed to hang up more than one sock when Audrey’s window flew up and her sneering face loomed out,

“Did you get my note regarding you music?” she bellowed.

Kelly calmly shook out a wet t-shirt and pegged it on the line.

“I said,” Audrey went an octave higher and louder, “Did you get my note?”

  Kelly couldn’t take it any more. Weeks of putting up with Audrey violating her life with her insistent bellyaching had brought her to breaking point. 

“Yes I got your stupid bloody note you old crone” Kelly shouted.

Audrey physically balked at the unaccustomed outburst from Kelly, but Kelly was only just warming to her subject.

“You have made my life sheer hell since I moved in here and I’ve just about had enough of it.” She had plenty more to add but was rudely interrupted by Audrey.

“You insolent girl, I’ve…”

  But Audrey’s sentence was abruptly cut short by a loud snapping noise as the cords from her window broke and it came crashing down on her like a guillotine.

  Audrey let out a strangled yelp and desperately tried to lever the window up and off of her neck, her puny and scraggy little arms flailing wildly.

Kelly gawped in amazement as Audrey flapped about, imprisoned by her precious window.

“Get…help…you…stupid…girl,” Audrey gurgled. 

  Kelly regained her composure and slowly turned her back on the scene of Audrey thrashing around at the upstairs window. She picked up a pair of soggy jeans, gently shook them out and hung them on the line, humming to herself as she did so. 

  The sun was streaming down through the trees and a warm smile was starting to spread over Kelly’s face. 

  “Audrey,” Kelly said as she picked up her empty washing basket and turned to the rather puce Audrey, “This only goes to prove, with absolutely no unreasonable doubt, that you are an out and out ‘pane’ in the neck.” 

  Moments later a loud radio went on, drowning out Audrey’s cursing completely!