Following on from Allu’s Story of the rather unfortunate incident with the wax, I felt it only fair that she should have support, by way of an admission from someone who has also suffered the indignation of an unfortunate ‘Lady Garden’ incident!!! 

Picture the scene, Christmas morning, the kids had opened all of their presents and I was glugging back my cuppa so that I could move onto the more exciting prospect of Champagne! This is the one-day of the year that I can justifiably open a bottle of Champagne IN THE MORNING. 

I’d exchanged presents with my husband and he was holding one back until last. This was the ‘exciting’ one, normally the one that had a decent price tag attached to if not some imagination and thought! 

He gingerly handed me my final gift and said ‘I hope you like it’, well, I couldn’t fault him on the ‘thought’ that went into it – that’s for sure.   

As the last of the Christmas wrapping fell away, I found myself cradling a Phillips shaver – designed for the nether regions!!!! 

This was obviously a joke? I’d always been quite proud of the fact that I had a ‘nice n’ neat’ little garden! I looked up and him and searched his face for a clue that would answer whether this was indeed my ‘main’ present - his answer?

 “Well it wasn’t cheap, and if you want me to ‘spend a bit of time there’, it would be beneficial to use this’!! 

Where was that bottle of Champagne? And more to the point, where was my nice bottle of perfume? An intimate shaver? Was he for real? And when had I ever asked him to ‘spend more time there’ anyway? I’d spent most of my time feigning headaches or cleaning the cooker!! 

Needless to say, dinner was a little later that Christmas – largely due to the fact that the chef was inebriated! 

As soon as the shops re-opened after the holiday, I marched into Boots with the ‘shaver’ in one hand and the receipt in the other! 

“Excuse me” I quietly said to the cashier, “My husband foolishly purchased this for me for Christmas and….I…..really don’t (blushing now) need it” 

The cashier took the shaver and the receipt, glanced at me with a look of pity which was either a) You poor thing, married to a cretin like that, b) you’re obviously in denial and in need of a good shave love,  or c) You are the fourth lady we’ve had returning this unfortunate gift today!!

“I won’t keep you a moment madam”, she kindly said to me, then proceeded to shout to another cashier on the prescriptions counter “MARION? MARION? CAN WE GIVE REFUNDS ON ITEMS LIKE THIS?”

Marion replies “WOT IS IT?”

My cashier “IT’S ONE OF THEM SHAVERS” 

Oh God, ground swallow me up!  

Not only had I had to put up with my family taking the piss Christmas day over dinner (my mum finding it especially funny and nearly spilling her Sherry when I told her), my friends dining out over the Boxing Day period with a ‘You’ll never Guess what Nikki got bought for Christmas’ story – I was now having to share the hand that fate dealt me with half the bloody shoppers in Boots! 

“AS LONG AS IT HASN’T BEEN USED AND YOU GOT THE RECEIPT THAT’S FINE’ Marion replied subtly. 

My cashier, “Yeah, Marion says that’s fine”

“So I heard,” I reply 

“Have you had a look around to see if there was anything else you’d like to exchange it for?”

“I’d really just like my money back please” (so that I can get the **ck outta here).

He was right though, it wasn’t cheap and I left Boots with twenty-five quid to burn! Why waste your money on expensive items like that, when you can just use a razor? This set that he’d bought even had little templates in case you fancied a heart shaped Lady Garden – oh Paleeease!! 

The following week, I went into town and purchased some disposable razors (not the cheap ones either!!). That evening, when I had the house to myself and the kids were in bed I decided to have a go at a little ‘home topiary’ – the economical way!  

He wanted smooth – I’d give him bloody smooth!! 

A few large vodkas for a bit of Dutch courage, a mirror to capture all angles and I was all set………………

Pt 2 Coming soon……..