A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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Q: Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?

A: The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi!

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2 bags of crisps are walking done the road, a policeman pulls up beside them and asks "do you want a lift?", they both reply

"sorry mate, were walkers!!"

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Tragedy

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A guy walks into a chinese restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches, the guy asks for "a table for two". As they are waiting for a table to be prepared, his wife cant help to notice a fish tank full of beautiful tropical fish.

The wife turns to her husband and demands that she wants the same fish brought for her at home. The husband agrees and asks the waiter what the fish are called.

The waiter replies "sushi".

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It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it. But I decided on ketchup for my burger.