Finally, a friend's husband has decided that, at the ripe old age of 48, he needs to get into shape. We went to the gym where a trainer asked him if he could do the splits. 'Of course I can't', he answered. 'How flexible are you?' she asked. To which he replied 'Well, I can't do Tuesdays.'
 

Did you see...
Did you see the Wimbledon highlights when Venus Williams sang accapella with Dionne Warwick during an interview with a BBC reporter on the roof? It cut back to John Inverdale who said to Pat Cash, "Well I am sure (name of reporter) will be introducing his own 12 inch to Venus Williams later?" Pat Cash and several camera men pissed themselves. John Inverdale looked slightly embarrassed.

I hear they are getting rid of Mike Atherton as England cricket captain and appointing Paula Yates in his place?
Well who else has had such experience of fucking the Aussies and bringing back the ashes.

The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks, "Any luck?"

"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts.

"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger.

"Nope."

"Well, meet the new game warden."

"Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?"

"Nope."

"Meet the biggest liar in the state."

Q:Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano?
A:His undertaker